1. What has improved?
I think my organization has improved slightly. Organization has always been a problem for me ever since I can remember. But this year, after taking Asian Am. Lit, Composition, and European history with all those essay tests, I think the constant practice has helped me to improve.
2. What is your voice/style?
My style of writing is very conversational almost to the point where it's too casual and informal. My mom told me once that I "write how [I] speak" and I guess that's really true. Sometimes, I just write the words down in the order they come to my mind, which is probably the reason why I have organizational problems.
3. "Every writer writes only one story." What is your story?
I noticed in my blogs, I wrote a lot about leaving Hawaii and friends and family relate things. So basically, I wrote about things that affected me closely. I thought it was kind of embarrassing becuase it seemed like I was single-minded even though I had tried to have a variety of blog entries.
4. What do you still need to work on?
While I believe I have improved on organization of my papers, I still think of it as something I need to improve on. It's more that I want to be creative and have organization at the same time. I can be organized if I follow the intro, 3 points, conclusion style of writing which I think is kind of boring. Speaking of conclusions, I also think I need to work on figuring out how to write conclusions better. I hate writing conclusions because I feel like it has to be the best part of the paper that leaves your audience thinking of something important and I don't think my conclusions measure up to that.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
thoughts on video
i wondered why we watched grizzly man for. i couldn't think of why (maybe i just wasnt fully there because of physics exams and all) but after sitting here, listening to it again while thinking about the essay at the same time, i get it now.
to me, that timothy guy is crazy, a complete psycho. i wouldn't even go near a grizzly bear, period. i wouldnt even think for a second, "oh, that sounds like fun" because even though they can look soft and cuddly in the nature shows, you know that a 900 pound mass of meat isn't that gentle and friendly at all. throught watching the movie the first time, all i could think of was "god, that guy's an idiot. he annoys me. how can you possibly be so naive?" i rolled my eyes and laughed at the weird things he did and said.
"this is my life, this is what i do. i love it. it's pathetic but i love it"
after i heard that, i realized that we're all like that. maybe not to the same extent, but we're all like that. i like to do some pretty weird things that many would never think that someone like me would do. for example, i used to do baseball and robotics and shop and now i'm on the rifle team and i like anime. my friend once said, "riflery is my life, i love it." sounds familiar?
we're all sort of like timothy treadwell in a way.
to me, that timothy guy is crazy, a complete psycho. i wouldn't even go near a grizzly bear, period. i wouldnt even think for a second, "oh, that sounds like fun" because even though they can look soft and cuddly in the nature shows, you know that a 900 pound mass of meat isn't that gentle and friendly at all. throught watching the movie the first time, all i could think of was "god, that guy's an idiot. he annoys me. how can you possibly be so naive?" i rolled my eyes and laughed at the weird things he did and said.
"this is my life, this is what i do. i love it. it's pathetic but i love it"
after i heard that, i realized that we're all like that. maybe not to the same extent, but we're all like that. i like to do some pretty weird things that many would never think that someone like me would do. for example, i used to do baseball and robotics and shop and now i'm on the rifle team and i like anime. my friend once said, "riflery is my life, i love it." sounds familiar?
we're all sort of like timothy treadwell in a way.
Monday, May 14, 2007
sorry it took so long
i used to get really mad at you because...
well, you were mean to me
yet no matter what you did, i always forgave you
you told me i was mean to you too
but i retorted that it was only because you were that way to me
and you agreed that it was only fair
but i would tell myself
no! it's NOT fair!
even if sometimes you're the most
rotten
evil
horrible little brat,
i would always end up puting down my homework to help you with yours
and i thought that it seemed a little unfair that i seemed to be the only one who bothered to be nice.
but you know, my friend
i was wrong
it only took me till today to realize that sometimes....
you're pretty nice to me too
forgiving despite the fact the other picks on you,
pokes fun at you,
makes you so angry you think you'll get an ulcer one day because of it....
the unconditional love
unconditional forvgiveness
is that what friendship really is?
well, you were mean to me
yet no matter what you did, i always forgave you
you told me i was mean to you too
but i retorted that it was only because you were that way to me
and you agreed that it was only fair
but i would tell myself
no! it's NOT fair!
even if sometimes you're the most
rotten
evil
horrible little brat,
i would always end up puting down my homework to help you with yours
and i thought that it seemed a little unfair that i seemed to be the only one who bothered to be nice.
but you know, my friend
i was wrong
it only took me till today to realize that sometimes....
you're pretty nice to me too
forgiving despite the fact the other picks on you,
pokes fun at you,
makes you so angry you think you'll get an ulcer one day because of it....
the unconditional love
unconditional forvgiveness
is that what friendship really is?
Sunday, May 13, 2007
saying goodbye to perfection
nine days left. isn't that a ridiculously small number? in a month, i'll be saying goodbye to my home of 13 years.
------------------------------
"if you could only remember one time (we shared together) what would it be?" he asked me.
i approached the question by immediately playing back all the times that stood out the most in my head and trying to decide which one i liked the best. could it be the day he asked me out? or how about that thursday? or what about the time we skipped air rifle practice? oh, and i cant forget about the rose bowl trip...
but i couldn't decide which time i wouldn't be able to sacrifice. i just couldn't decide which would be the one i just wouldn't be able to part with...
but then it hit me.
i really didn't need those other times. sure, they were nice, memorable, and special, but to me... it'd be the simplest times that i'd want to keep forever. we all remember the time when so-and-so did this hilarious thing or when something out-of-the-ordinary ridiculously awesome thing happened. many of us will remember how we almost took states for football last year, cus we cheered so loud and the band played their hearts out. but it's really the everyday things that will mean the most. we'll only be able to remember maybe half of all those exciting times and it'll be the ordinary days that will always remain dear to us.
for some reason, the realization made me feel immensely sad. partially because after high school, we'll never be like that again. i'll never get to sit with him so carefreely under the little overhang by alexander. there will be other people who will hang out there after we're all gone. i'll never be able to lie down on the stones and lazily look out towards the trees, the clouds, the sky like how i do now...
those are the kind of times i'll miss the most. sure, the future is bound to be full of surprises, good times and the like, but that just wont be the same. now comes the fork in the road and we will all go our seperate ways. thank you to all who have made an impression on me, left their mark-- good or bad-- because as cliche as it all may sound, it's shaped me into who i am today.
even though i want this to never change, i know that time will pass and we'll be different no matter how hard i can try. just thinking about how i can't make this perfection last forever makes the lump form in my throat. i hope in the future i'll never forget why i cry over these things now... i hope i'll never forget the importance and the beauty of this carefree innocence of my of high school days......
Monday, May 7, 2007
He told me not to cut my hair
I remember reading somewhere that long hair and long fingernails are considered "beatiful", especially in certain cultures like ours. The writer then made the assupmtion that this was the reason for the growth in popularity of hair extensions, artificial nails, and manicures. I personally don't agree with putting fake stuff on me, but I guess I would say it has become popular...
Is there an appeal to long hair? I wondered about this after realizing that many of my guy friends have mentioned at one point or another that they prefer girls with long hair. Being a girl with short hair, this sort of offended me. What's wrong with short hair! It's easier to care for and I never have to deal with tangles.
When my hair was short, many said I looked like a little kid, and I was even told I could pass for a long-haired guy... So does that mean that long hairedness is synonomous to femininity? And so by transitive property, does that mean femininity means beauty?
Is there an appeal to long hair? I wondered about this after realizing that many of my guy friends have mentioned at one point or another that they prefer girls with long hair. Being a girl with short hair, this sort of offended me. What's wrong with short hair! It's easier to care for and I never have to deal with tangles.
When my hair was short, many said I looked like a little kid, and I was even told I could pass for a long-haired guy... So does that mean that long hairedness is synonomous to femininity? And so by transitive property, does that mean femininity means beauty?
Friday, May 4, 2007
w00t
SAT II season is here. For the juniors, that is. Not for me, haha. It's interesting to watch them all stress and worry over SAT II's. I took 2 last year and my thinking was "if I do poorly, that's okay" because I didn't choose any schools that required subject tests. I don't think I was very stressed as a junior which you may find odd. Well, of course I was stressed about grades, but I did pretty well on the SAT reasoning in junior year so I wasn't rushing to retake it.
I don't think the SAT's are that important. If you ask me, I'd say grades and the essay is more important than your score on a dumb test. I guess it has some importance to me in the sense that I wouldn't recommend totally bombing it and not caring, but as long as your score is decent, retaking it to get just a little bit better is a waste of money. I guess if you wanted to get into an ivy league school with lots of competition, it'd carry more weight, but then again, I think that ivy league schools are overrated. Yes, some colleges are better than others, but after a certain point, it's just the name that makes one college better than another. Of course that's just my opinion, and I'm sure there are many people out there who would like to argue with me. Although, I guess they need a place to put all the smart people.
But back to my first paragraph... If I think about it, I guess I kinda feel left out.
I don't think the SAT's are that important. If you ask me, I'd say grades and the essay is more important than your score on a dumb test. I guess it has some importance to me in the sense that I wouldn't recommend totally bombing it and not caring, but as long as your score is decent, retaking it to get just a little bit better is a waste of money. I guess if you wanted to get into an ivy league school with lots of competition, it'd carry more weight, but then again, I think that ivy league schools are overrated. Yes, some colleges are better than others, but after a certain point, it's just the name that makes one college better than another. Of course that's just my opinion, and I'm sure there are many people out there who would like to argue with me. Although, I guess they need a place to put all the smart people.
But back to my first paragraph... If I think about it, I guess I kinda feel left out.
highschool: (arguably) the ultimate growing experience
yea, so i know that writing about or reflecting about this topic is rather cliche, but i kind of just felt like it tonight. i was in the shower 2 minutes ago and the thoughts kinda just popped into my head. it was probably from the open forum thing we did in class today. there was a question about end-of-the-year regrets which went from regrets about not being able to take all the classes i wanted to, to regrets from the past. then my thoughts seemed to rise with the steam in the shower and bright flashes of thought smacked me in the face, along with the bar of soap which i had been squeezing too tightly from the excitement of so many ideas rushing through my brain. (T_T)
looking back as a senior, high school love is just stupid. as freshmeat, we were all nervous about how others would think of you. a boyfriend or girlfriend could place you higher on the status rungs. or maybe we thought we actually loved a certain person (but as a 14-15 year old... how would you know?) and you would sacrifice more than you should for a person who possibly wont reciprocate your feelings. even as a junior or senior, some of us do that. however, by senior year, you should know how to set priorities, learn how to balance your time between learning and your love life, and set rules for yourself.
so, okay, maybe as seniors we feel like we're more experienced. i guess it sort of has something to do with getting comfrotable with yourself and whatnot yadda-yadda. many of us look at things more apathetically where as freshies, we were all so emotionally involved with everything. the most minute thing could turn ugly and send someone home in tears. as freshmen, we were all so naive, innocent, trusting, and well... fresh... in 2-3 years, *wham* we soon turn into hardened, maybe some of us even cynical, far less readily-trusting creatures (or at least that's what i've observed of myself and my senior friends).
4 years ago, i tried my hardest to win people's affection or at least keep them from disliking me. i would be extremely nice and polite to everyone, which ironically kept me at a distance. i still dont like dislike directed towards me but shikata ga nai, it cant be helped. i dwell on it less, or try to at least. i was devastated when the person i had devoted my time to had decided to turn me down. but second semester of junior year i had my little epiphany and the problem suddenly went from the center of my life to relatively non-existent. i used to spend much of my energies on trying to be social and i would hate to do homework at school for fear i'd miss out on something. but now, i'd sometimes rather just study and do my homework and basically be anti-social. o_0 *gasp* weird huh?
my friend mentioned something once. well, it sort of relates anyway. a freshman girl was asking who so-and-so liked and my friend told her "i honestly dont care who likes who anymore. as a senior, i really don't care anymore". and i thought "i havent noticed that about myself, but damn that's so true!" is this what adulthood is like where we lose all of that closeness with our friends? will we become emotionally detached people who don't involve with our friend's problems? adults would probably defend themselves by saying "well, adults should be able to take care of themselves", but that's not true for everyone. if we need someone, who will we turn to if we know that no one will care like how they did back in high school? is it better to be childishly silly and empathetic or wise and distanced?...
looking back as a senior, high school love is just stupid. as freshmeat, we were all nervous about how others would think of you. a boyfriend or girlfriend could place you higher on the status rungs. or maybe we thought we actually loved a certain person (but as a 14-15 year old... how would you know?) and you would sacrifice more than you should for a person who possibly wont reciprocate your feelings. even as a junior or senior, some of us do that. however, by senior year, you should know how to set priorities, learn how to balance your time between learning and your love life, and set rules for yourself.
so, okay, maybe as seniors we feel like we're more experienced. i guess it sort of has something to do with getting comfrotable with yourself and whatnot yadda-yadda. many of us look at things more apathetically where as freshies, we were all so emotionally involved with everything. the most minute thing could turn ugly and send someone home in tears. as freshmen, we were all so naive, innocent, trusting, and well... fresh... in 2-3 years, *wham* we soon turn into hardened, maybe some of us even cynical, far less readily-trusting creatures (or at least that's what i've observed of myself and my senior friends).
4 years ago, i tried my hardest to win people's affection or at least keep them from disliking me. i would be extremely nice and polite to everyone, which ironically kept me at a distance. i still dont like dislike directed towards me but shikata ga nai, it cant be helped. i dwell on it less, or try to at least. i was devastated when the person i had devoted my time to had decided to turn me down. but second semester of junior year i had my little epiphany and the problem suddenly went from the center of my life to relatively non-existent. i used to spend much of my energies on trying to be social and i would hate to do homework at school for fear i'd miss out on something. but now, i'd sometimes rather just study and do my homework and basically be anti-social. o_0 *gasp* weird huh?
my friend mentioned something once. well, it sort of relates anyway. a freshman girl was asking who so-and-so liked and my friend told her "i honestly dont care who likes who anymore. as a senior, i really don't care anymore". and i thought "i havent noticed that about myself, but damn that's so true!" is this what adulthood is like where we lose all of that closeness with our friends? will we become emotionally detached people who don't involve with our friend's problems? adults would probably defend themselves by saying "well, adults should be able to take care of themselves", but that's not true for everyone. if we need someone, who will we turn to if we know that no one will care like how they did back in high school? is it better to be childishly silly and empathetic or wise and distanced?...
Friday, April 27, 2007
Kawaii Kon
Heh. So I got bored of euro homework. I say we should leave history to the experts and fanatics. It's not like I'm gonna use any of this European history mumbo-jumbo anyway unless it's for yelling out the answer while I sit on the couch and watch Jeporady.
Kawaii Kon is today through Sunday... I'm not going, haha. I consider myself an otaku (anime fan) but I have to say... Kawaii Kon really sucked last year. There was maybe one good cosplayer (the guy who did Cloud) but other than that... Meh.
The popularity of anime has increased a lot since when I first got into it back in what... 3rd grade? But it's still in a baby phase compared to other places. Last year was the first convention and it seriously lacked. I guess it was partially because Hawaii is small, so our buildings are small (it was in the Ala Moana hotel last year). This year it's in the convention center though I think? Not sure. I never bothered to check. Last year we were all excited. ("Ohmygod! There's going to be an anime con this year! In Hawaii! Can you believe it?") At least I can say that I went to the first con in Hawaii... -__-;;
Kawaii Kon does kind of bring back memories... I must say-- They need to be more vigilant about security. My friend and I came kind of late last year. We didn't know what we were doing and accidentally (I swear) walked into the front part of the line (because there was a separation to allow a walkway) and cut infront of maybe 100+ people. Whoops? But no one stopped us to tell us that wasn't where the line started. And we didn't know. (Where was security when you need them, huh?) I guess I can laugh about it now, but I still kinda feel bad. I heard those people waited in line for 2 hours... o_0 (gomen, gomen.... >,<) But my friend and I... I feel we kinda have a connection because of this. We weren't super close then, and we're not very close now, but I feel like the event at Kawaii Kon will somehow keep us bonded?
Anyway, hopefully, the con will grow in the next 5 years or so. So when I come back to Hawaii after graduating from college, I can be proud to go to the con in my own state.
Kawaii Kon is today through Sunday... I'm not going, haha. I consider myself an otaku (anime fan) but I have to say... Kawaii Kon really sucked last year. There was maybe one good cosplayer (the guy who did Cloud) but other than that... Meh.
The popularity of anime has increased a lot since when I first got into it back in what... 3rd grade? But it's still in a baby phase compared to other places. Last year was the first convention and it seriously lacked. I guess it was partially because Hawaii is small, so our buildings are small (it was in the Ala Moana hotel last year). This year it's in the convention center though I think? Not sure. I never bothered to check. Last year we were all excited. ("Ohmygod! There's going to be an anime con this year! In Hawaii! Can you believe it?") At least I can say that I went to the first con in Hawaii... -__-;;
Kawaii Kon does kind of bring back memories... I must say-- They need to be more vigilant about security. My friend and I came kind of late last year. We didn't know what we were doing and accidentally (I swear) walked into the front part of the line (because there was a separation to allow a walkway) and cut infront of maybe 100+ people. Whoops? But no one stopped us to tell us that wasn't where the line started. And we didn't know. (Where was security when you need them, huh?) I guess I can laugh about it now, but I still kinda feel bad. I heard those people waited in line for 2 hours... o_0 (gomen, gomen.... >,<) But my friend and I... I feel we kinda have a connection because of this. We weren't super close then, and we're not very close now, but I feel like the event at Kawaii Kon will somehow keep us bonded?
Anyway, hopefully, the con will grow in the next 5 years or so. So when I come back to Hawaii after graduating from college, I can be proud to go to the con in my own state.
Lindsey Does A Little Victory Dance
After a fall-out with a friend, it's hard to get to talk again, don't you think?
That's why I'm so proud of myself. I'm usually the lazy ass procrastinator who somehow manages to get herself together at the very last minute. I lack initiave and I don't like people to be dissatisfied with me. I'm scared of people's dislike.
So we haven't talked in a while. I happened to find a good opportunity to strike up a conversation this morning while I was walking back from community service this morning. They had apparently worked at the same place last quarter so I figured hey, why not ask how their experience was? It was worth a shot, right?
But it was scary. Humans are silly. We're all so sensitive and afraid to do things unless we know there's a pretty high success rate. And even if it's 99.99999% sure, some of us still have doubts. But I guess it's good that we don't go around saying and doing whatever the hell we please, because I guess we can't really help that sensitivity is somewhat of a human nature.
I walked past my old hangout place. That person was there. I contemplated walking back, but I figured that would look weird. Funny how we care if something looks strange to others. So I spent much time planning out how I should go about this. 2 things surprised me: that I actually was a dork enough to plan it out like that and also that I'd do that just so I wouldn't look stupid when I ran out of things to say. Never once did I think that it didn't matter; that what happened, happened. No. It had to work and I had to do everything within my power to make it work. Why is that? Maybe I'm a little late, but it's only just occured to me how strange human interactions are...
So when I got home, that person was online too. Again, I laid out the situation and adjusted my plans. And again, I never questioned why I was doing it. I decided that I would wait till just before I signed off. Good way to bail out in case of emergency, right? Listening to myself now, hearing what my thought process was kind of scares me. Maybe "scares" isn't quite the word I was looking for. "Shocks"? Nah, maybe "scares" is fine. It also scared(?) me how scared I was to take that first step. You can't really "take back" an IM, so I guess that's what was the scariest part. I like re-do's. But this time, I couldn't just half-ass it-- I had to throw myself blindly, head-first. No one likes doing that, I know. But hey, I did it. The conversation didn't go very far, but the important point is that I took initiative for once. If I let my mom know about my social affairs (which I hardly do) then she'd probably be proud.
Sometimes, I guess, you just have to be thick-skinned and go for it.
That's why I'm so proud of myself. I'm usually the lazy ass procrastinator who somehow manages to get herself together at the very last minute. I lack initiave and I don't like people to be dissatisfied with me. I'm scared of people's dislike.
So we haven't talked in a while. I happened to find a good opportunity to strike up a conversation this morning while I was walking back from community service this morning. They had apparently worked at the same place last quarter so I figured hey, why not ask how their experience was? It was worth a shot, right?
But it was scary. Humans are silly. We're all so sensitive and afraid to do things unless we know there's a pretty high success rate. And even if it's 99.99999% sure, some of us still have doubts. But I guess it's good that we don't go around saying and doing whatever the hell we please, because I guess we can't really help that sensitivity is somewhat of a human nature.
I walked past my old hangout place. That person was there. I contemplated walking back, but I figured that would look weird. Funny how we care if something looks strange to others. So I spent much time planning out how I should go about this. 2 things surprised me: that I actually was a dork enough to plan it out like that and also that I'd do that just so I wouldn't look stupid when I ran out of things to say. Never once did I think that it didn't matter; that what happened, happened. No. It had to work and I had to do everything within my power to make it work. Why is that? Maybe I'm a little late, but it's only just occured to me how strange human interactions are...
So when I got home, that person was online too. Again, I laid out the situation and adjusted my plans. And again, I never questioned why I was doing it. I decided that I would wait till just before I signed off. Good way to bail out in case of emergency, right? Listening to myself now, hearing what my thought process was kind of scares me. Maybe "scares" isn't quite the word I was looking for. "Shocks"? Nah, maybe "scares" is fine. It also scared(?) me how scared I was to take that first step. You can't really "take back" an IM, so I guess that's what was the scariest part. I like re-do's. But this time, I couldn't just half-ass it-- I had to throw myself blindly, head-first. No one likes doing that, I know. But hey, I did it. The conversation didn't go very far, but the important point is that I took initiative for once. If I let my mom know about my social affairs (which I hardly do) then she'd probably be proud.
Sometimes, I guess, you just have to be thick-skinned and go for it.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
A Month's Worth of Prep for One Day
Since Prom is in 3 days... it just got me thinking. While he spent about $75 on a tux, we females in addition to getting the very basic -a dress- usually get their hair and make-up done, and maybe throw in the cost for some jewelry too.
I never really thought about the cost until my mom started bugging me. She wanted me to set an appointment for hair, make-up and the like, pestering me to find out what I could do with my short hair. Personally, I wasn't going to do anything with my hair (and I'm still not) and I was planning to do my own make-up, but she finally managed to convince me to find a place that would do my make-up. She was also very involved with my selection of a necklace and she even prodded me to get a bracelet. She told me that Prom was the one time you could be "oshare" (flashy) so I shouldn't pick the dainty, thin bracelet, but rather the thick rhinestone covered one. I thought, "Geez mother, who's Prom is this anyway?" I don't know how much other girls have spent on their Prom, but so far, my Prom bill is totaled at a little less than $200. And I think I might be on the slightly-less-than-average side in terms of cost.
Why don't guys have all this extra stuff they have to deal with? I'll bet that no guy who will be there on Saturday will have had to get their hair done. The most they'd do would be to run a comb through it and maybe squirt some gel in it. A girl's preperation time could be hours, while the guy spends maybe half an hour. If a guy were to spend a really long time getting ready and "primping" himself, he'd be rediculed and called "fem" or something to that effect.
Why do girls go through all that trouble to look good? I think it's such a pain in the ass! My mom practically forced me to get an appointment and then when she finally pestered me enough to give in, she yelled at me for "waiting till the last minute". Maybe I'm just bitter because of that, but I think it's all been one big hassle. It was exciting, but it was still a hassle. I'm pretty sure I'll have fun on Saturday, but still... it was a hassle...
grr.
I never really thought about the cost until my mom started bugging me. She wanted me to set an appointment for hair, make-up and the like, pestering me to find out what I could do with my short hair. Personally, I wasn't going to do anything with my hair (and I'm still not) and I was planning to do my own make-up, but she finally managed to convince me to find a place that would do my make-up. She was also very involved with my selection of a necklace and she even prodded me to get a bracelet. She told me that Prom was the one time you could be "oshare" (flashy) so I shouldn't pick the dainty, thin bracelet, but rather the thick rhinestone covered one. I thought, "Geez mother, who's Prom is this anyway?" I don't know how much other girls have spent on their Prom, but so far, my Prom bill is totaled at a little less than $200. And I think I might be on the slightly-less-than-average side in terms of cost.
Why don't guys have all this extra stuff they have to deal with? I'll bet that no guy who will be there on Saturday will have had to get their hair done. The most they'd do would be to run a comb through it and maybe squirt some gel in it. A girl's preperation time could be hours, while the guy spends maybe half an hour. If a guy were to spend a really long time getting ready and "primping" himself, he'd be rediculed and called "fem" or something to that effect.
Why do girls go through all that trouble to look good? I think it's such a pain in the ass! My mom practically forced me to get an appointment and then when she finally pestered me enough to give in, she yelled at me for "waiting till the last minute". Maybe I'm just bitter because of that, but I think it's all been one big hassle. It was exciting, but it was still a hassle. I'm pretty sure I'll have fun on Saturday, but still... it was a hassle...
grr.
Monday, April 23, 2007
we are the nameless ones...
I don't think we have a name. I've heard a few though. There's "the ex-rocks group" (because we used to be by the rocks at the science center). Sometimes we just say something like "let's go to Alexander", although I think that's kind of boring to be classified by the name of a building, but hey that's all we got.
When we're actually there, sitting inside the plot of concrete, it seems pretty spacious. Even though we have so many people there, everyone and their stuff can fit. There are occasions when there's extra stuff needed to be stored in that small area because of band concerts and such. There are a lot of big instruments and concert clothes crammed into a corner and it almost feels claustrophobic having to sit with a bunch of instruments towering over you as you sit and try to eat lunch.
Usually, there are people playing their PSP's (although now, with the release of the new Pokemon, a bunch of them have whipped out their DS's). The rest of us either talk, do homework, or maybe play cards. I think it's kind of funny how there are so many of us, yet it's actually pretty quiet most of the time. I mean, there are occasions where it can get loud, but it's really not that bad. You'd be surprised.
It's kind of seperated though. Generally we're all on good terms with each other, but I can see two distinct groups withing the group as a whole. There's one side, the one I'm on (we like to play games and be loud) and there's the other side (who are the more studious, quiet ones). Ironically, there isn't as much tension between the two groups, but rather there are tensions within our side. I call them dysfunctional. I'm pretty normal compared to them actually. We can't go on an outing without at least one person getting mad or sometimes even going home in tears. I know I've gone home pissed at people a couple of times, but I guess that's just high school....
When we're actually there, sitting inside the plot of concrete, it seems pretty spacious. Even though we have so many people there, everyone and their stuff can fit. There are occasions when there's extra stuff needed to be stored in that small area because of band concerts and such. There are a lot of big instruments and concert clothes crammed into a corner and it almost feels claustrophobic having to sit with a bunch of instruments towering over you as you sit and try to eat lunch.
Usually, there are people playing their PSP's (although now, with the release of the new Pokemon, a bunch of them have whipped out their DS's). The rest of us either talk, do homework, or maybe play cards. I think it's kind of funny how there are so many of us, yet it's actually pretty quiet most of the time. I mean, there are occasions where it can get loud, but it's really not that bad. You'd be surprised.
It's kind of seperated though. Generally we're all on good terms with each other, but I can see two distinct groups withing the group as a whole. There's one side, the one I'm on (we like to play games and be loud) and there's the other side (who are the more studious, quiet ones). Ironically, there isn't as much tension between the two groups, but rather there are tensions within our side. I call them dysfunctional. I'm pretty normal compared to them actually. We can't go on an outing without at least one person getting mad or sometimes even going home in tears. I know I've gone home pissed at people a couple of times, but I guess that's just high school....
Sunday, April 15, 2007
a song just for me? ha ha.
Every time I find a song with lyrics that I can relate to I think, "Wow, that song is exactly what I'm feeling!" and I'm amazed at how the words seem to match. It's almost as if the song was written for me!
But really. Thinking that kind of seems egotistical. There must be hundreds of thousands of songs out there. There's bound to be at least one song that has lyrics that fit how you're feeling. It's not really all that special if you think about it.
Plus, there's millions of people out there, who have similar problems to you. Someone's gotta write at least one song about it. We all think we're the only ones going through dilemmas and other difficulties, but we're not really all that special in the whole scheme of things.
But really. Thinking that kind of seems egotistical. There must be hundreds of thousands of songs out there. There's bound to be at least one song that has lyrics that fit how you're feeling. It's not really all that special if you think about it.
Plus, there's millions of people out there, who have similar problems to you. Someone's gotta write at least one song about it. We all think we're the only ones going through dilemmas and other difficulties, but we're not really all that special in the whole scheme of things.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
I was wondering... if people could actually remember you in the after-life. If there is one at all, I mean. Then, I thought about the people who found someone else after their spouse died young and then remarried. Wouldn't that kind of suck for the spouse who left before? The other half would eventually die too and maybe that person might meet up with the one who passed away first and be like "Sorry, I love ____ now. We've gone through so much together". If that happened to me, I'd be like "Wow, this sucks. I waited for nothing". Ohhh... unless the deceased can see the living. Then they would've known earlier. I guess they can, right? That's why people see ghosts; because they're still attached to this world. Or something like that.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
trapped in the subconscious (or is it unconscious?)
Sleep paralysis. It's quite scary, even if you know that it's not anything supernatural. I always thought I was hearing ghosts when this has happened to me. I'm just lying down, trying to get some sleep for the next tiring day and I'm almost on the brink of sleep but all of a sudden, I find myself not being able to move. What's funny is I'm totally conscious and I can see my surroundings in the dark. Or at least I think I'm conscious, I guess I can't be sure since I was half-asleep just a moment ago.
Then I start to hear voices. Sometimes, I can pick out conversations and sometimes, I can only hear distant voices yelling at each other. The scariest time was when I heard a woman's voice yelling quite loudly to someone. I got this feeling like I was about to witness a murder and I even feared for my own safety, being so "near" to this violent-sounding quarel.
Sometimes I wonder if you could suffocate from sleep paralysis. I find that in addition to my movement being restricted, I usually can't breathe too. But I've found ways to get myself back into reality, although it's kind of hard. It kind of reminds me of in Kill Bill where after Uma Thurman's character gets from the coma and tries to get her toes to move again. She had to tell her toe to move. I have to tell myself "get up" about 5 times before I feel like I snapped out of a dream that looks exactly like reality.
Sleep paralysis: frightening, yet somehow oddly exhilarating.
Then I start to hear voices. Sometimes, I can pick out conversations and sometimes, I can only hear distant voices yelling at each other. The scariest time was when I heard a woman's voice yelling quite loudly to someone. I got this feeling like I was about to witness a murder and I even feared for my own safety, being so "near" to this violent-sounding quarel.
Sometimes I wonder if you could suffocate from sleep paralysis. I find that in addition to my movement being restricted, I usually can't breathe too. But I've found ways to get myself back into reality, although it's kind of hard. It kind of reminds me of in Kill Bill where after Uma Thurman's character gets from the coma and tries to get her toes to move again. She had to tell her toe to move. I have to tell myself "get up" about 5 times before I feel like I snapped out of a dream that looks exactly like reality.
Sleep paralysis: frightening, yet somehow oddly exhilarating.
Friday, March 30, 2007
misconceptions
It's a really empty, hopeless feeling....
I never knew how his life was actually like.
But last night, (when I was under the covers, on the phone although I wasn't supposed to be... heh) I got a glimpse of what he's actually gone through.
I always thought he was this carefree, innocent person. Maybe the word is normal?
While he was telling me about what happened to him as a little kid, I was stunned and didn't know what to say. I didn't want him to think that I wasn't saying anything because I didn't care, because that's the exact opposite!
Not being able to say something to someone at a time like that is really difficult. It kind of sucks, especially when I can usually come up with something witty or interesting or comforting any other time but I couldn't do it for that.
I guess I'm glad for yesterday, though. It was a good learning experience... And, just being there for the person is kind of like you're responsibility as a friend so I'm glad I could do at least that.
I never knew how his life was actually like.
But last night, (when I was under the covers, on the phone although I wasn't supposed to be... heh) I got a glimpse of what he's actually gone through.
I always thought he was this carefree, innocent person. Maybe the word is normal?
While he was telling me about what happened to him as a little kid, I was stunned and didn't know what to say. I didn't want him to think that I wasn't saying anything because I didn't care, because that's the exact opposite!
Not being able to say something to someone at a time like that is really difficult. It kind of sucks, especially when I can usually come up with something witty or interesting or comforting any other time but I couldn't do it for that.
I guess I'm glad for yesterday, though. It was a good learning experience... And, just being there for the person is kind of like you're responsibility as a friend so I'm glad I could do at least that.
Card House Dreamer
Card House Dreamer
My world is falling apart
I was a fool, I never saw it coming
Oh no no
My life is like a card house
A delicate construction
With no regard for the wind
Everybody's changing
Oh, everybody's changing
And I don't know know know
know know how much more I can take
I thought I had everything under control
I couldn't have been more wrong
I thought I held my world in my hands
Until it broke and I awoke from this foolish dream
I put so much of myself in everything else
Yeah in everything else
It was a dream come seemingly true
Torn at the seams
revealing a nightmare
I thought I had everything under control
I couldn't have been more wrong
I thought I held my world in my hands
Until it broke and
I awoke from this foolish dream
I thought I had everything under control
I couldn't have been more wrong
I thought I held my world in my hands
Until it broke my heart
Everything I loved had changed
Coffee and cigarettes can't save me
No, it's a hope where there's no chance of a hope in the world.
And I'm hoping for. (I'm hoping for)
I thought I had everything under control
I couldn't have been more wrong
I thought I held my world in my hands
Until it broke and
I awoke from this foolish dream
I thought I had everything under control
Well, I couldn't have been more wrong
I thought I held my world in my hands
Until it broke my heart
Everything I loved was flawed
It's sort of funny how some people are biased against what they call "emo" music. I had this song on my ipod. I like it... and when my friend saw it on my playlist he totally just skipped over it because he classified it as "emo music". I think the lyrics are just as well-written as any other type of song may be. I mean, it's not like it's crappily-written, it's just the content I guess that would make him dislike the song. I think songs should be looked at by how well they were written and not really the content.
Haha, I really don't remember what I was trying to get at. Heh, I lost it somewhere along the way...
My world is falling apart
I was a fool, I never saw it coming
Oh no no
My life is like a card house
A delicate construction
With no regard for the wind
Everybody's changing
Oh, everybody's changing
And I don't know know know
know know how much more I can take
I thought I had everything under control
I couldn't have been more wrong
I thought I held my world in my hands
Until it broke and I awoke from this foolish dream
I put so much of myself in everything else
Yeah in everything else
It was a dream come seemingly true
Torn at the seams
revealing a nightmare
I thought I had everything under control
I couldn't have been more wrong
I thought I held my world in my hands
Until it broke and
I awoke from this foolish dream
I thought I had everything under control
I couldn't have been more wrong
I thought I held my world in my hands
Until it broke my heart
Everything I loved had changed
Coffee and cigarettes can't save me
No, it's a hope where there's no chance of a hope in the world.
And I'm hoping for. (I'm hoping for)
I thought I had everything under control
I couldn't have been more wrong
I thought I held my world in my hands
Until it broke and
I awoke from this foolish dream
I thought I had everything under control
Well, I couldn't have been more wrong
I thought I held my world in my hands
Until it broke my heart
Everything I loved was flawed
It's sort of funny how some people are biased against what they call "emo" music. I had this song on my ipod. I like it... and when my friend saw it on my playlist he totally just skipped over it because he classified it as "emo music". I think the lyrics are just as well-written as any other type of song may be. I mean, it's not like it's crappily-written, it's just the content I guess that would make him dislike the song. I think songs should be looked at by how well they were written and not really the content.
Haha, I really don't remember what I was trying to get at. Heh, I lost it somewhere along the way...
The Sheltered Child
I just got the function pictures from him today. And while function was indeed fun, I'm looking forward to prom already. But I just can't believe there's only about 3 months left of high school! I know I've said this once, twice, maybe even a hundred times, but I'm going to keep on saying it because it's just so amazing.
And scary...
I entered this school 13 years ago as a 5-year old naive little kid and I'll soon be leaving as a very sheltered 17-year old who knows nothing else outside of here. I lack the experience of having to make new friends. (And kindergarten doesn't really count because everyone was new back then... and plus, that was so long ago anyway!) I don't know what it's like to be in a place where I know absolutely no one and I have to start from scratch and make friends with complete strangers. I've always had a friend who would be the one to introduce me to others so I would have a connection at least. It'll be hard... A real adventure, I'm sure...
Prom, senior sing practices, graduation... What am I missing?... Anyways, the year is coming to a close. It's kind of sad how I wasn't able to really come out of my shell until maybe last year at the earliest. I'm also kind of sad because I didn't really plan out my classes well and there are so many classes I would have liked to take like computer science, anthropology, mechanical drawing, astronomy... extra-curricular stuff. But I guess I could take those in college too... Don't know if I'll have time, though! I'll surely be busy with my degree and whatnot.
I'm still so childish, I think. Especially when I compare myself to other girls in my grade. I feel like I belong in middle school still, back with teams and sections and silly little daily problems that middle schoolers go through. I dont feel like I'm on the same level maturity-wise as I'm supposed to be.
I have this school to thank for that. It's done a good job of keeping me safe and sound. So much in fact, that I didn't feel the need to really work hard at people skills.... There was always someone who I could call my friend and I took that for granted. But I can't complain since this is probably the best I could have possibly gotten so I'm thankful...
And scary...
I entered this school 13 years ago as a 5-year old naive little kid and I'll soon be leaving as a very sheltered 17-year old who knows nothing else outside of here. I lack the experience of having to make new friends. (And kindergarten doesn't really count because everyone was new back then... and plus, that was so long ago anyway!) I don't know what it's like to be in a place where I know absolutely no one and I have to start from scratch and make friends with complete strangers. I've always had a friend who would be the one to introduce me to others so I would have a connection at least. It'll be hard... A real adventure, I'm sure...
Prom, senior sing practices, graduation... What am I missing?... Anyways, the year is coming to a close. It's kind of sad how I wasn't able to really come out of my shell until maybe last year at the earliest. I'm also kind of sad because I didn't really plan out my classes well and there are so many classes I would have liked to take like computer science, anthropology, mechanical drawing, astronomy... extra-curricular stuff. But I guess I could take those in college too... Don't know if I'll have time, though! I'll surely be busy with my degree and whatnot.
I'm still so childish, I think. Especially when I compare myself to other girls in my grade. I feel like I belong in middle school still, back with teams and sections and silly little daily problems that middle schoolers go through. I dont feel like I'm on the same level maturity-wise as I'm supposed to be.
I have this school to thank for that. It's done a good job of keeping me safe and sound. So much in fact, that I didn't feel the need to really work hard at people skills.... There was always someone who I could call my friend and I took that for granted. But I can't complain since this is probably the best I could have possibly gotten so I'm thankful...
Saturday, March 24, 2007
The Number 23
This past Tuesday, I watched that movie The Number 23. It was supposed to be one of those suspense/thrillers, but it wasn't all that suspensful. It did have a pretty good plot twist at the end, though. I totally didn't see it coming. It was sort of like...
Happy family, blah blah blah. *insert conflict* (Because nobody wants to pay money to see a peaceful movie about a happy family.) Build-up of tension, story follows the 'one, two, three strikes you're out' formula except on the third pitch, the main character's wife hits it on the nose and they find out who the real killer is. This all sounds pretty normal except that the culprit is totally unexpected. Like peaceful kingdom, everybody's content, then *bam!* dragon comes, breathing fire, and everybody dies, the end. Well, not really. There were no dragons in the movie, but it was similar in the sense that the conflict was solved, but wait! Why are they showing that the time is 2:15??? And thus, ends the movie with a cliffhanger. It sort of reminded me of the Ring or something like that.
Overall, I thought the Number 23 was a much better movie than Dead Silence. With Dead Silence, I was hoping to be scared to the point where I peed in my pants, since I hate creepy dolls and stuff like that, but it was rather dissapointing.
This spring break has been pretty uneventful aside from thursday and maybe half of tuesday when I actually got out of the house and exposed myself to a bit of sunlight instead of sitting infront of the computer playing maple story.... T_T
Although, I did manage to level twice this break... (w00t!) XD And don't laugh... That's a lot of work right there! That's like about 8 hours of killing green mushrooms and axe stumps to accumulate a total of over 30,000 exp. points! That took so long... =__= considering that you only get about 26-30 exp. points for one kill...
I should be doing that econ project that's worth what... 20% of our grade? Ah, I have no motivation, no drive... no concentration... T_T
Happy family, blah blah blah. *insert conflict* (Because nobody wants to pay money to see a peaceful movie about a happy family.) Build-up of tension, story follows the 'one, two, three strikes you're out' formula except on the third pitch, the main character's wife hits it on the nose and they find out who the real killer is. This all sounds pretty normal except that the culprit is totally unexpected. Like peaceful kingdom, everybody's content, then *bam!* dragon comes, breathing fire, and everybody dies, the end. Well, not really. There were no dragons in the movie, but it was similar in the sense that the conflict was solved, but wait! Why are they showing that the time is 2:15??? And thus, ends the movie with a cliffhanger. It sort of reminded me of the Ring or something like that.
Overall, I thought the Number 23 was a much better movie than Dead Silence. With Dead Silence, I was hoping to be scared to the point where I peed in my pants, since I hate creepy dolls and stuff like that, but it was rather dissapointing.
This spring break has been pretty uneventful aside from thursday and maybe half of tuesday when I actually got out of the house and exposed myself to a bit of sunlight instead of sitting infront of the computer playing maple story.... T_T
Although, I did manage to level twice this break... (w00t!) XD And don't laugh... That's a lot of work right there! That's like about 8 hours of killing green mushrooms and axe stumps to accumulate a total of over 30,000 exp. points! That took so long... =__= considering that you only get about 26-30 exp. points for one kill...
I should be doing that econ project that's worth what... 20% of our grade? Ah, I have no motivation, no drive... no concentration... T_T
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Oh no! Facebook too?
I just recently got a facebook. I really don't know what for! Every time something new comes out, I sign up for an account after a friend tells me I should get one. Okay, yes, I admit that I like to put in time and effort to make my site nice and all so when I logged onto facebook for the first time, I was like 'WHAT??' because you can't really do much with it. It's very simple, which I suppose is what makes it so quick. I was surprised at how fast I could leave a comment on my friend's "wall". While it's fun to find cool layouts or neat pictures to put in your background, I think I kinda like facebook simply because of the lack of lag. It's a little creepy in the way that every time you update, it's like the whole world can see unless you change your settings. I read somewhere that someone described facebook as 'Big brother is watching. And big brother is also recording your every move."
But it's pretty addicting and time comsuming. Oddly enough, it's because it's fast that it's so addicting. I can do much more in less time. Doesn't that sound attractive to you? Do more in less time-- that's what everyone wants... It's also easy to find people with the whole network thing so I can find people from school without having to search the multiple blogrings like on xanga. Geez, there must be 5 or 6 class of 2007 blogrings, probably more. There's the good ol' "class of 2007" but there's also "class of 2007 rules" and other silly stuff like that.
Facebook has captured me in its claws of doom...
But it's pretty addicting and time comsuming. Oddly enough, it's because it's fast that it's so addicting. I can do much more in less time. Doesn't that sound attractive to you? Do more in less time-- that's what everyone wants... It's also easy to find people with the whole network thing so I can find people from school without having to search the multiple blogrings like on xanga. Geez, there must be 5 or 6 class of 2007 blogrings, probably more. There's the good ol' "class of 2007" but there's also "class of 2007 rules" and other silly stuff like that.
Facebook has captured me in its claws of doom...
Monday, March 12, 2007
it's not simply because it's highschool
Fate is such a funny thing... If this had gone my way, or if that had gone differently then where would I be now? I could have missed happiness by a matter of a few seconds. By " seconds", I mean that if I had stopped to think and consider the possibilities and consequences before I rashly jumped into the game. I would have ended sacrificing much more than I would have gained.
I always used to bash my head into the wall mentally as I lamented my past mistakes and my shouldacouldawouldas. I used to so strongly believe that there was no such thing as fate and it was because you did something wrong that your life was messed up beyond repair. I never used to believe in fate until the world stopped spinning just enough to let me think about my past. But now that the chaos has settled down-- found my niche, found my true friends, got into college... I've actually had time to think about how maybe all those bad times happened for a reason besides simply that "it's highschool".
All my friends at the benches wouldn't even know me if I hadn't taken air riflery and if I hadn't had that silly crush on this one guy. I would never have met one of my best friends if I had never wandered to that horrid bird-poop encrusted freshman tree as a sophomore, in search of getting to know the guy better.
I would have stayed in that secluded little place called "the cove". I would have been completely dependent on that one group of people. I would never have had that much fun in marching band without the people at the benches. I would never have learned to become more independent if it weren't for them. I would never have learned how to catch the bus on my own if it weren't for them. I would never have met my boyfriend who loves me despite how weird I am.
Life has a funny way of working itself out.
I always used to bash my head into the wall mentally as I lamented my past mistakes and my shouldacouldawouldas. I used to so strongly believe that there was no such thing as fate and it was because you did something wrong that your life was messed up beyond repair. I never used to believe in fate until the world stopped spinning just enough to let me think about my past. But now that the chaos has settled down-- found my niche, found my true friends, got into college... I've actually had time to think about how maybe all those bad times happened for a reason besides simply that "it's highschool".
All my friends at the benches wouldn't even know me if I hadn't taken air riflery and if I hadn't had that silly crush on this one guy. I would never have met one of my best friends if I had never wandered to that horrid bird-poop encrusted freshman tree as a sophomore, in search of getting to know the guy better.
I would have stayed in that secluded little place called "the cove". I would have been completely dependent on that one group of people. I would never have had that much fun in marching band without the people at the benches. I would never have learned to become more independent if it weren't for them. I would never have learned how to catch the bus on my own if it weren't for them. I would never have met my boyfriend who loves me despite how weird I am.
Life has a funny way of working itself out.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
little glass ball of friendship
Trust is such a fragile thing.
There is no one to whom I tell everything. There are people to whom I tell most things, but never all. I don't trust many people. And I never trust anybody entirely all the time. Maybe most of the time, but not all of the time. It's best to be careful, tread lightly. After all, it's better to be safe than sorry. And besides, does anyone have someone they trust all the time? I've heard people say that before, but really... is that really possible?
He says he trusts me. He says he tells me everything. But that's just not possible. And even if it were, that would take the fun away from guessing and "living on the edge" in a way. Even if you say you trust someone, it's not really possible no matter how good your intentions are when you say it.
There are people who have had my trust then lost it. It's happened more than once. There was that time once, where I completely lost control of my calm, passive appearance. We were good friends, him and I. But then one day, he took the little glass ball which held the tiny bit of trust he had managed to obtain from me and threw it, not dropped it, to the ground. There, it exploded into a million tiny shards of delicate glass which fell to the floor, making silly tinkling noises as each piece hit the ground.
I told him a secret. In all fairness, I guess he wasn't ready to take it all in. I should have warned him, I guess? I was betrayed by him. I opened up and he shut me out. And people wonder why I'm so closed off from the world of human beings. They call me "emo", "angsty", "pessimistic"... I think I'm just being... practical? Safe would be a good word too. It's not pessimistic... I just don't have the energy to deal with broken friendships. It's too much of a hassle with school and extracurricular activities. So I just don't bother. So what if I sound synical. I'm only being practical. I'm just choosing spending my last few months here wisely.
There is no one to whom I tell everything. There are people to whom I tell most things, but never all. I don't trust many people. And I never trust anybody entirely all the time. Maybe most of the time, but not all of the time. It's best to be careful, tread lightly. After all, it's better to be safe than sorry. And besides, does anyone have someone they trust all the time? I've heard people say that before, but really... is that really possible?
He says he trusts me. He says he tells me everything. But that's just not possible. And even if it were, that would take the fun away from guessing and "living on the edge" in a way. Even if you say you trust someone, it's not really possible no matter how good your intentions are when you say it.
There are people who have had my trust then lost it. It's happened more than once. There was that time once, where I completely lost control of my calm, passive appearance. We were good friends, him and I. But then one day, he took the little glass ball which held the tiny bit of trust he had managed to obtain from me and threw it, not dropped it, to the ground. There, it exploded into a million tiny shards of delicate glass which fell to the floor, making silly tinkling noises as each piece hit the ground.
I told him a secret. In all fairness, I guess he wasn't ready to take it all in. I should have warned him, I guess? I was betrayed by him. I opened up and he shut me out. And people wonder why I'm so closed off from the world of human beings. They call me "emo", "angsty", "pessimistic"... I think I'm just being... practical? Safe would be a good word too. It's not pessimistic... I just don't have the energy to deal with broken friendships. It's too much of a hassle with school and extracurricular activities. So I just don't bother. So what if I sound synical. I'm only being practical. I'm just choosing spending my last few months here wisely.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
onomatopoeia!
before I start what I actually wanted to write about, I thought I'd just follow up on my last post... Paper revision due for euro today. So I went to the college office to fix some parts of it and...
OMG... It was gone... I had replaced it with something else with the same name by accident. Had to type out about 5 pages of stuff about Queen Mary I. And I actually wrote this blog during class but it didn't save my draft so I'm writing this over again too... (Technology must hate me.)
--------
So... I was just thinking about how it's funny that some of the people who put up the strongest front sometimes are sometimes the ones who're "weaker" inside. An example.... one of the host brothers I met in Japan. He's about 6' tall and to me, that's like a giant. He also reminded me of a yakuza (Japanese mafia) guy with his shaved head and his gangster speech style (more-than-usual rolling of the "r"s). Even his name sounded yakuza-like. It wasn't your Japanese boy band name like "Takuya" or "Shinji" or childish-sounding names that make you think of an elementary school kid like "Koutarou" or "Yuuta". Yasumasa. I was like "Yasumasa"??? That sounds either like an old man or a gangster.
But while his persona screamed "OMG YAKUZAAAAA!!!" the other host brothers poked fun at him without fear. This scrawny guy (whom my friend and I would later give the nicknames "Nezumi-chan" and "Mouseman" to because he was sort of skinny and mouse-like) seemed like the more assertive one over Yasumasa. Nezumi-chan and the others even told my friend and I that Yasumasa had no friends. They also told us to call him......
"Pokko-chan".
Just by the sound of the word "pokko" makes me think of a small, cute, fluffy/furry kitten or something. Having "-chan" attached to his name didn't make it sound any tough either. And no matter how hard Pokko-chan tried to get my friend and I to stop laughing and to stop calling him that, (he had given up on the other guys already) he couldn't do anything to make two girls, about a whole foot shorter than him to not call out, "POKKO-CHAN!!!" from 10 feet away.
It was kind of funny how he seemed so powerless even though he appeared scary and acted tough. It really must have been a funny sight to see someone like him being dragged around everywhere by two little girls and being poked fun at by a bunch of guys smaller than him. He was so submissive, to the point where I kind of feel sorry for him. But I guess it sort of worked out because he made friends because of his personality. Pokko and the other guys seemed to be pretty good buddies at the end of the trip and my friend and I still send emails and stuff to all of them.
OMG... It was gone... I had replaced it with something else with the same name by accident. Had to type out about 5 pages of stuff about Queen Mary I. And I actually wrote this blog during class but it didn't save my draft so I'm writing this over again too... (Technology must hate me.)
--------
So... I was just thinking about how it's funny that some of the people who put up the strongest front sometimes are sometimes the ones who're "weaker" inside. An example.... one of the host brothers I met in Japan. He's about 6' tall and to me, that's like a giant. He also reminded me of a yakuza (Japanese mafia) guy with his shaved head and his gangster speech style (more-than-usual rolling of the "r"s). Even his name sounded yakuza-like. It wasn't your Japanese boy band name like "Takuya" or "Shinji" or childish-sounding names that make you think of an elementary school kid like "Koutarou" or "Yuuta". Yasumasa. I was like "Yasumasa"??? That sounds either like an old man or a gangster.
But while his persona screamed "OMG YAKUZAAAAA!!!" the other host brothers poked fun at him without fear. This scrawny guy (whom my friend and I would later give the nicknames "Nezumi-chan" and "Mouseman" to because he was sort of skinny and mouse-like) seemed like the more assertive one over Yasumasa. Nezumi-chan and the others even told my friend and I that Yasumasa had no friends. They also told us to call him......
"Pokko-chan".
Just by the sound of the word "pokko" makes me think of a small, cute, fluffy/furry kitten or something. Having "-chan" attached to his name didn't make it sound any tough either. And no matter how hard Pokko-chan tried to get my friend and I to stop laughing and to stop calling him that, (he had given up on the other guys already) he couldn't do anything to make two girls, about a whole foot shorter than him to not call out, "POKKO-CHAN!!!" from 10 feet away.
It was kind of funny how he seemed so powerless even though he appeared scary and acted tough. It really must have been a funny sight to see someone like him being dragged around everywhere by two little girls and being poked fun at by a bunch of guys smaller than him. He was so submissive, to the point where I kind of feel sorry for him. But I guess it sort of worked out because he made friends because of his personality. Pokko and the other guys seemed to be pretty good buddies at the end of the trip and my friend and I still send emails and stuff to all of them.
Monday, March 5, 2007
goodbye stone age, hello anxiety attacks
My internet just went out. And then I came to the realization that I rely too much on the internet. As soon as I couldn't access the next page that I had clicked on, I became very frustrated and irate. And when I still couldn't get it working in the next five minutes, it sent me into a near-panic! The internet has really changed the way I view time, at least when I'm on the computer.
When our family got rid of dial-up, way back in the stone age when I was about in the 5th grade, my standards and expectations changed. Before, I just had to accept that a picture would take minutes to download so I could view it. With road runner, it just pops up on the screen when I click on it. So when it suddenly doesn't respond to my demands, it messes up the whole system where the human sits on their lazy butts, clicks, and voila! Life is served on a silver platter.
Everything nowdays for me revolves around the computer and technology in general, actually. I type all my homework on the computer and I save it onto my flash drive if I need to finish it at school. Teachers email announcements and sometimes last-minute homework assignments, expecting that you receive them. Even this blog is the perfect example of school-related, internet-dependent assignment. I must spend a lot more time infront of my computer than anywhere else except for maybe my bed.
This morning, for example, I was typing my second part to my budget project for econ. which was due at 12:30. It was a reflection and I was typing in word and I finally finished. So I saved it and just to be sure, I pressed *apple s* again. Or so I thought. My finger missed and I hit "W" or something and my one-page, single-spaced reflection dissapeared before my eyes! I sat there and blinked, the fact that my hard work had just dissapeared had not quite registered in my mind quite yet. Then it hit me. My paper was gone!!! Gasps! Oh no! I panicked.
Turns out that i had just made it a temp. file or something and it was technically still there but sort of invisible. I don't really know the exact details, but it was all good in the end and the lady working at the language lab found it for me and I was happy once more, panic-free.
I think it's really bad to spend so much time at the computer. I think my eyes are getting worse from the backlight or something and it's probably gives you cancer just like everything else in this world. And if the cancer doesn't get to me, the anxiety attacks will.
When our family got rid of dial-up, way back in the stone age when I was about in the 5th grade, my standards and expectations changed. Before, I just had to accept that a picture would take minutes to download so I could view it. With road runner, it just pops up on the screen when I click on it. So when it suddenly doesn't respond to my demands, it messes up the whole system where the human sits on their lazy butts, clicks, and voila! Life is served on a silver platter.
Everything nowdays for me revolves around the computer and technology in general, actually. I type all my homework on the computer and I save it onto my flash drive if I need to finish it at school. Teachers email announcements and sometimes last-minute homework assignments, expecting that you receive them. Even this blog is the perfect example of school-related, internet-dependent assignment. I must spend a lot more time infront of my computer than anywhere else except for maybe my bed.
This morning, for example, I was typing my second part to my budget project for econ. which was due at 12:30. It was a reflection and I was typing in word and I finally finished. So I saved it and just to be sure, I pressed *apple s* again. Or so I thought. My finger missed and I hit "W" or something and my one-page, single-spaced reflection dissapeared before my eyes! I sat there and blinked, the fact that my hard work had just dissapeared had not quite registered in my mind quite yet. Then it hit me. My paper was gone!!! Gasps! Oh no! I panicked.
Turns out that i had just made it a temp. file or something and it was technically still there but sort of invisible. I don't really know the exact details, but it was all good in the end and the lady working at the language lab found it for me and I was happy once more, panic-free.
I think it's really bad to spend so much time at the computer. I think my eyes are getting worse from the backlight or something and it's probably gives you cancer just like everything else in this world. And if the cancer doesn't get to me, the anxiety attacks will.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
moving on....
My mother doesn't realize how hard it is to come up with a list for my grad. party. She complains that I should add more people from my grade, but seriously, I don't have many senior friends left. The group I used to hang out with often has grown much too large for my tastes and I've just wandered away from them. I hardly even talk to some of those people anymore.
A friend left our hangout a little while before I did. Just before he decided to go back to his old group, he mentioned how he realized that the cove, despite its large size and initial warm welcome, was actually very cliquey. I had to stop and agree. On the outside, we all seem so friendly. Just by walking past, we'd all seem like we're all pals and everyone gets along. Well that's a serious mistake. I walk in there and feel no warmth. Everyone has their own cliques and unless you find your own, you basically ignored for the most part. I suppose you could sit and listen to politics or WOW or some sort of video/computer/card game. Or you could find a person or two and talk about something else, although that would probably be short-lived. I joined the cove because we all used to like anime. I guess they've all just moved on while I wanted to stay where I was. I'm just not into the sorts of things my old friends now are into. Maybe I'm just not American enough.
We've all split up from the small, generally happy group of people we used to be back when we were in the walkway next to the computer lab. We may have had more problems back then, being idiot freshmen but we were pretty close or at least that's what I thought. But don't get me wrong. I still like the company of a few individuals. (Yes, individuals, not cliques.) It's not everyone I feel distant from. It's just too bad we just can't go back to how it used to be. I kind of miss that...
Maybe it's just me who can't handle large groups and not them. Maybe it's also the fact that people I've never even seen before in my life have suddenly popped up one day and made themselves at home. I always thought the cove was my "home". I mean, ifyou come home and see strangers living in your house and living with your family, wouldn't you think that was odd?
I blame the move. They kicked us out of that little walkway where the lockers used to be. So basically, I guess I'm blaming the school for all that. We were loud, yes, but who isn't? They said we were bothering the art classes. Oh give me a break. Those kids outside the math building are so loud and they disrupt math class (which I personally consider much more important than art but that might be only me) and they don't get kicked out. So why us? Then, they decided to extend the building, thus turning out hangout into a longer hallway for the people inside the building to use. That must have been on purpose. I swear, it must have been a plan to get rid of us. But they should have realized what that did to us. It made us move to a new, bigger space, causing us to expand beyond control. Haha, I guess the way the cove sort of keeps "control" of the number of people residing there is by weeding out people like me who just couldn't take the surge in population.
I guess that place just isn't meant for quiet, low-tolerance people.
A friend left our hangout a little while before I did. Just before he decided to go back to his old group, he mentioned how he realized that the cove, despite its large size and initial warm welcome, was actually very cliquey. I had to stop and agree. On the outside, we all seem so friendly. Just by walking past, we'd all seem like we're all pals and everyone gets along. Well that's a serious mistake. I walk in there and feel no warmth. Everyone has their own cliques and unless you find your own, you basically ignored for the most part. I suppose you could sit and listen to politics or WOW or some sort of video/computer/card game. Or you could find a person or two and talk about something else, although that would probably be short-lived. I joined the cove because we all used to like anime. I guess they've all just moved on while I wanted to stay where I was. I'm just not into the sorts of things my old friends now are into. Maybe I'm just not American enough.
We've all split up from the small, generally happy group of people we used to be back when we were in the walkway next to the computer lab. We may have had more problems back then, being idiot freshmen but we were pretty close or at least that's what I thought. But don't get me wrong. I still like the company of a few individuals. (Yes, individuals, not cliques.) It's not everyone I feel distant from. It's just too bad we just can't go back to how it used to be. I kind of miss that...
Maybe it's just me who can't handle large groups and not them. Maybe it's also the fact that people I've never even seen before in my life have suddenly popped up one day and made themselves at home. I always thought the cove was my "home". I mean, ifyou come home and see strangers living in your house and living with your family, wouldn't you think that was odd?
I blame the move. They kicked us out of that little walkway where the lockers used to be. So basically, I guess I'm blaming the school for all that. We were loud, yes, but who isn't? They said we were bothering the art classes. Oh give me a break. Those kids outside the math building are so loud and they disrupt math class (which I personally consider much more important than art but that might be only me) and they don't get kicked out. So why us? Then, they decided to extend the building, thus turning out hangout into a longer hallway for the people inside the building to use. That must have been on purpose. I swear, it must have been a plan to get rid of us. But they should have realized what that did to us. It made us move to a new, bigger space, causing us to expand beyond control. Haha, I guess the way the cove sort of keeps "control" of the number of people residing there is by weeding out people like me who just couldn't take the surge in population.
I guess that place just isn't meant for quiet, low-tolerance people.
Friday, March 2, 2007
case of the disappearing cheerios
My grandpa sees things. My grandpa on my dad's side to be exact. It's kind of creepy. What's funny is that he's kind of scary too. Brown, wrinkly, bent, wiry white hair; he also recently had surgery to fix his drooping eyelids. Now, he looks perpetually surprised.
Don't get me wrong, I love my grandpa. He's just a bit odd. When I was little I noticed the differece between my two grandpas. One was loud, talkative, and liked to break out into song while walking up the stairs to the second floor at his house and the other... the only time I hear him speak is when he randomly comes into a conversation after seeming to have woken up with a start and says something that doesn't make any sense. My grandpa Miho hardly ever makes sense.
I guess that's the reason why that when I heard the story, I wasn't shocked. Apparently, he freaked my grandma out one night. He woke up that night to use the bathroom and instead of going to the bathroom, he had a senior moment, forgot what he came outside for, and went instinctively to the living room. He then, ran (or at least I'm sure he tried to) back to the bedroom where my grandma was and woke her up. He then went on to tell her about the black woman dressed in white who had been standing in the living room as if to be waiting for someone. A white man then came and took her away.
My grandma got scared because at first, she thought there were actual people who had been in her house. She went to go check, but there were no signs of intrusion. She told him he was dreaming and they both went back to sleep. But a few nights later, he woke up from his comfy chair in front of the TV in the living room and he saw his sister asking for someone in the family. He told her they weren't there right now. This all seems pretty normal, right? Wrong! His sister has passed away a while back. My grandma then decided to take him to a church to get him blessed or something like that.
I know this has all sounded like a corny, run-of-the-mill ghost story, but it's kind of creepy when it's someone in your family who's the one who sees the ghosts and not someone you just read about in a book. Even if you laugh it off and say "Oh, it's just grandpa being weird again" it really does send a chill down your spine if you start thinking about it.
Oh, and just a little extra something I think is ironic. My mom just came to me asking if I was eating her cheerios. She said she hoped that I'd say I was because she thought that maybe it was a ghost. =D
Don't get me wrong, I love my grandpa. He's just a bit odd. When I was little I noticed the differece between my two grandpas. One was loud, talkative, and liked to break out into song while walking up the stairs to the second floor at his house and the other... the only time I hear him speak is when he randomly comes into a conversation after seeming to have woken up with a start and says something that doesn't make any sense. My grandpa Miho hardly ever makes sense.
I guess that's the reason why that when I heard the story, I wasn't shocked. Apparently, he freaked my grandma out one night. He woke up that night to use the bathroom and instead of going to the bathroom, he had a senior moment, forgot what he came outside for, and went instinctively to the living room. He then, ran (or at least I'm sure he tried to) back to the bedroom where my grandma was and woke her up. He then went on to tell her about the black woman dressed in white who had been standing in the living room as if to be waiting for someone. A white man then came and took her away.
My grandma got scared because at first, she thought there were actual people who had been in her house. She went to go check, but there were no signs of intrusion. She told him he was dreaming and they both went back to sleep. But a few nights later, he woke up from his comfy chair in front of the TV in the living room and he saw his sister asking for someone in the family. He told her they weren't there right now. This all seems pretty normal, right? Wrong! His sister has passed away a while back. My grandma then decided to take him to a church to get him blessed or something like that.
I know this has all sounded like a corny, run-of-the-mill ghost story, but it's kind of creepy when it's someone in your family who's the one who sees the ghosts and not someone you just read about in a book. Even if you laugh it off and say "Oh, it's just grandpa being weird again" it really does send a chill down your spine if you start thinking about it.
Oh, and just a little extra something I think is ironic. My mom just came to me asking if I was eating her cheerios. She said she hoped that I'd say I was because she thought that maybe it was a ghost. =D
souless riceballs
So. Tomorrow is the "kimono paati" (kimono party, if you couldn't understand my accent =P). Coincidentally, it's also girl's day. So I get to dress up in a full-on kimono on girl's day. How exciting?... I guess. The kimono paati is more like a social event than anything, I'm assuming. Dress up/potluck? For some reason, I decided to volunteer to make nishime. And now I'd like the reader to take note that I did not say "buy", I said "make". Yes, you heard me right. Make.
My "inner me" is yelling at me as I sit down, legs exhausted after almost two whole hours of standing, cutting, preparing, and scavanging for clean bowls and it's finally on simmer. It's really funny how while I was writing, I had jumped up to the sound of the stove making a funny noise. So much for continuous writing, huh?
My, what possessed me to put myself through this torture? I honestly have no clue. I could have taken it the easy peasy way out and bought something like everyone else. I would have made onigiri but someone else in my group said they'd do that. And you know what ticks me off? He realized after he signed up that his rice cooker was broken (He said the rice turned out like watery pudding.) and that he was going to go buy some. I thought to myself, "You don't buy musubi, you make it! Buying some would defeat the purpose of having musubi!" To me, I think it just takes away the goodness of it. There's no soooooul! Heh.
So anyway, enough about that. I think the lack of sleep this week is getting to me. Actually, I think I already lost it sometime on Wednesday. I'm beat; eyes burning, muscles sore, (although that might have more to do with my weight room visits) and I think I feel a slight cold coming. But then again, knowing me, I'm probably just being paranoid like always. I'm such a germ freak. I don't like the feel of dirt, oil, or any sort of impurity on my hand or actually anywhere on my body. I also hate the feeling of chewing fat on steaks or even seeing the fat on raw meat. So it was torture for me when I had to cut the chicken today for the nishime. It's just ewww! It was so oily and squishy that I almost felt sick after handling it for 20 minutes.
Oh crap. I just remembered about the pot still on the stove. I better go check on it now...
My "inner me" is yelling at me as I sit down, legs exhausted after almost two whole hours of standing, cutting, preparing, and scavanging for clean bowls and it's finally on simmer. It's really funny how while I was writing, I had jumped up to the sound of the stove making a funny noise. So much for continuous writing, huh?
My, what possessed me to put myself through this torture? I honestly have no clue. I could have taken it the easy peasy way out and bought something like everyone else. I would have made onigiri but someone else in my group said they'd do that. And you know what ticks me off? He realized after he signed up that his rice cooker was broken (He said the rice turned out like watery pudding.) and that he was going to go buy some. I thought to myself, "You don't buy musubi, you make it! Buying some would defeat the purpose of having musubi!" To me, I think it just takes away the goodness of it. There's no soooooul! Heh.
So anyway, enough about that. I think the lack of sleep this week is getting to me. Actually, I think I already lost it sometime on Wednesday. I'm beat; eyes burning, muscles sore, (although that might have more to do with my weight room visits) and I think I feel a slight cold coming. But then again, knowing me, I'm probably just being paranoid like always. I'm such a germ freak. I don't like the feel of dirt, oil, or any sort of impurity on my hand or actually anywhere on my body. I also hate the feeling of chewing fat on steaks or even seeing the fat on raw meat. So it was torture for me when I had to cut the chicken today for the nishime. It's just ewww! It was so oily and squishy that I almost felt sick after handling it for 20 minutes.
Oh crap. I just remembered about the pot still on the stove. I better go check on it now...
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
slacking stinks
i've come to realize just how badly i've been slacking off. i'm absolutely horrible at getting myself motivated unless i feel into something. i guess you could call me lackluster. on one hand, i can be hard-working and dilligent but at the same time, lazy and unfocused. it actually comes in the opposite order. i slack and as my grandpa would say, "futt around" until i'm really pressed for time, then i really "get crackin'" and force myself to do work.
but i'm really the type of person who hates to be forced into doing anything. while i like set rules, regulations, and the sort, i like to follow them out of my own will, not because i have to. wanting to work without having to be forced to must be one of the most beautiful things in the world, don't you think?
unfortunately for me, i think best when i'm lying down in bed. the dark and the quiet, minus the constant noise of my fan, just seems to make the thoughts flow like water. this is usually after i've finished my paper or whatnot. and i while i love the sounds of my creativity dancing around in my head, i find it to be really such a pain to be torn between hoping i'll remember it tomorrow and risk losing them, or getting up from my bed (a real chore, considering i had just gotten comfortable) and writing them down to save for later.
i would love to go to school just for the sake of learning, seriously. i like school, i like being introduced to all these things... i just don't like being evaluated on them. strangely enough, i like tests. or most tests. i love japanese tests and even math tests. somtimes... contradicting myself, i even like to see how well i did. i just don't like the fact that it counts.
i like do-overs. life needs a remote control. said something wrong? stop, rewind, it's all good! i like video games where it doesn't auto-save. i'm the kind of person who will sit at the create-your-character screen for maple story and roll the random stat-generating dice until i am satisfied with the stats of my character. sadly, maple story is auto-save...
that's why i also like peterson sensei's re-write policy. while some may use that to buy themselves time in a bind, i almost need that one more chance because i always forget to put something in. we had a debate once in euro. i was supposed to say all of our key points, quite an important job. but ah, of course. i missed one of our big points of WMD's. go me!
but anyway, back to my first sentence, my "senior slump" must have started to rear its ugly head back in junior year. am lit just got too hard, i got a C, i gave up. that's why grades are bad. a bad grade can make you lose your motivation. after getting my first acceptance letter for college, things got even worse. for a week or two, i just didn't care. i'm trying harder now, though. i've been trying very hard to get organized in general. last saturday, i dumped out all my clothes which i had stuffed into my drawers and re-folded everything. i've attempted to clear my floor, but i've come to realize that that task is just as productive as trying to dig a hole on the beach, close to the water. The water somehow, miraculously seems to seep in from nowhere and all that hard work to dig that foot-deep hole is put to waste. i've given up on my floor, just like how i don't dig holes at the beach anymore.
but i'm really the type of person who hates to be forced into doing anything. while i like set rules, regulations, and the sort, i like to follow them out of my own will, not because i have to. wanting to work without having to be forced to must be one of the most beautiful things in the world, don't you think?
unfortunately for me, i think best when i'm lying down in bed. the dark and the quiet, minus the constant noise of my fan, just seems to make the thoughts flow like water. this is usually after i've finished my paper or whatnot. and i while i love the sounds of my creativity dancing around in my head, i find it to be really such a pain to be torn between hoping i'll remember it tomorrow and risk losing them, or getting up from my bed (a real chore, considering i had just gotten comfortable) and writing them down to save for later.
i would love to go to school just for the sake of learning, seriously. i like school, i like being introduced to all these things... i just don't like being evaluated on them. strangely enough, i like tests. or most tests. i love japanese tests and even math tests. somtimes... contradicting myself, i even like to see how well i did. i just don't like the fact that it counts.
i like do-overs. life needs a remote control. said something wrong? stop, rewind, it's all good! i like video games where it doesn't auto-save. i'm the kind of person who will sit at the create-your-character screen for maple story and roll the random stat-generating dice until i am satisfied with the stats of my character. sadly, maple story is auto-save...
that's why i also like peterson sensei's re-write policy. while some may use that to buy themselves time in a bind, i almost need that one more chance because i always forget to put something in. we had a debate once in euro. i was supposed to say all of our key points, quite an important job. but ah, of course. i missed one of our big points of WMD's. go me!
but anyway, back to my first sentence, my "senior slump" must have started to rear its ugly head back in junior year. am lit just got too hard, i got a C, i gave up. that's why grades are bad. a bad grade can make you lose your motivation. after getting my first acceptance letter for college, things got even worse. for a week or two, i just didn't care. i'm trying harder now, though. i've been trying very hard to get organized in general. last saturday, i dumped out all my clothes which i had stuffed into my drawers and re-folded everything. i've attempted to clear my floor, but i've come to realize that that task is just as productive as trying to dig a hole on the beach, close to the water. The water somehow, miraculously seems to seep in from nowhere and all that hard work to dig that foot-deep hole is put to waste. i've given up on my floor, just like how i don't dig holes at the beach anymore.
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