slacking stinks

i've come to realize just how badly i've been slacking off. i'm absolutely horrible at getting myself motivated unless i feel into something. i guess you could call me lackluster. on one hand, i can be hard-working and dilligent but at the same time, lazy and unfocused. it actually comes in the opposite order. i slack and as my grandpa would say, "futt around" until i'm really pressed for time, then i really "get crackin'" and force myself to do work.

but i'm really the type of person who hates to be forced into doing anything. while i like set rules, regulations, and the sort, i like to follow them out of my own will, not because i have to. wanting to work without having to be forced to must be one of the most beautiful things in the world, don't you think?

unfortunately for me, i think best when i'm lying down in bed. the dark and the quiet, minus the constant noise of my fan, just seems to make the thoughts flow like water. this is usually after i've finished my paper or whatnot. and i while i love the sounds of my creativity dancing around in my head, i find it to be really such a pain to be torn between hoping i'll remember it tomorrow and risk losing them, or getting up from my bed (a real chore, considering i had just gotten comfortable) and writing them down to save for later.

i would love to go to school just for the sake of learning, seriously. i like school, i like being introduced to all these things... i just don't like being evaluated on them. strangely enough, i like tests. or most tests. i love japanese tests and even math tests. somtimes... contradicting myself, i even like to see how well i did. i just don't like the fact that it counts.

i like do-overs. life needs a remote control. said something wrong? stop, rewind, it's all good! i like video games where it doesn't auto-save. i'm the kind of person who will sit at the create-your-character screen for maple story and roll the random stat-generating dice until i am satisfied with the stats of my character. sadly, maple story is auto-save...

that's why i also like peterson sensei's re-write policy. while some may use that to buy themselves time in a bind, i almost need that one more chance because i always forget to put something in. we had a debate once in euro. i was supposed to say all of our key points, quite an important job. but ah, of course. i missed one of our big points of WMD's. go me!

but anyway, back to my first sentence, my "senior slump" must have started to rear its ugly head back in junior year. am lit just got too hard, i got a C, i gave up. that's why grades are bad. a bad grade can make you lose your motivation. after getting my first acceptance letter for college, things got even worse. for a week or two, i just didn't care. i'm trying harder now, though. i've been trying very hard to get organized in general. last saturday, i dumped out all my clothes which i had stuffed into my drawers and re-folded everything. i've attempted to clear my floor, but i've come to realize that that task is just as productive as trying to dig a hole on the beach, close to the water. The water somehow, miraculously seems to seep in from nowhere and all that hard work to dig that foot-deep hole is put to waste. i've given up on my floor, just like how i don't dig holes at the beach anymore.